Things we’re interested in tend to catch our eye more easily. After becoming a delivery driver, I started paying close attention to trucks on the road. Once I began driving a classic Galloper, I started noticing tuned-up Gallopers parked along the roadside. And it wasn’t until I went through a difficult time with depression that I realized just how many mental health clinics there are in every neighborhood shopping district. I’ll share some personal reflections from receiving counseling and prescriptions at various places in the past. While seeing doctors for counseling, I also searched for treatment methods from experts through YouTube lectures, kept records of my own condition, and worked tirelessly toward recovery. Typically, I would visit regularly for about 30 minutes to share my thoughts and activities since the last visit and receive medication. Having visited multiple hospitals, I experienced different counseling styles and gender-based differences in approach from each doctor.

I went everywhere from a clinic near my home in Songdo to a hospital in Sinchon recommended by an acquaintance, and even to a Korean medicine clinic specializing in depression treatment and one reportedly frequented by celebrities. Among them, the director of the Korean medicine clinic stands out most in my memory. I visited when my insomnia and anxiety symptoms were at their peak. The director immediately took my pulse, declared I had excessive heat in my body and was in a very dangerous state, and proceeded to give me acupuncture. Thanks to that, I was able to get a good night’s sleep for the first time in ages. Afterwards, the director called me over, personally poured me tea, and emphasized, “What you need right now is absolute rest.” He shared stories about the difficult times he himself had endured before becoming a doctor, offering practical advice instead of irresponsible platitudes like “hang in there”: **“You’re the head of the household, so it must be hard, but you have to endure somehow.”**

In typical counseling sessions, I’d receive advice about past negative thoughts. But conveying a full understanding of my personality, upbringing, and the unique situation I faced within a mere 30 minutes was no easy task. There were limits to explaining in words the complex emotions I felt amidst a blockchain game business unprecedented in Korea, raising massive investment funds through an Initial Coin Offering (ICO), and conflicts with management.

Only those who’ve experienced it know the pain of dredging up a past you’d rather forget when you’re sinking into regret and self-blame. Hearing about the agony of PTSD counseling endured by the families of the 10.29 Itaewon tragedy victims, I deeply empathized. The shame of seeing my professional competence crumble, my arrogance believing I possessed great connections and abilities, and my pride as a devout believer all collapse at once was beyond words. Overnight, I became a delivery driver, parking my truck in Incheon’s alleyways, eating kimbap for lunch in my car, and hauling bundles of bottled water up to the fifth floor of a villa without an elevator. At first, I was anxious someone might recognize me. But that thought was fleeting; if I let my mind wander, I’d make delivery mistakes, have accidents, or lose packages. While working, I didn’t even have the luxury to feel depressed. I endured each day solely focused on completing deliveries without incident, eagerly awaiting the one overnight camping trip after six days of work.

Surprisingly, as time passed and my body recovered first, my mind gradually grew stronger and more peaceful. Memories tinged with regret faded, and the space left by letting go of the past filled with focus on the present and preparation for the future. I wonder if the millions of won spent on counseling fees and medication, and the time traveling back and forth to Seoul, were truly worth it. One could argue it had meaning because I ultimately recovered, but if such trials came again, I think I would buy a Galloper and travel around the country camping to manage my body and mind. Of course, as a delivery driver delivering happiness.